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A LOOK INTO MY BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
MY MOODS LEAD ME INTO MADDNESS
MY RAZOR IS MY BEST FRIEND.
CUTTING IS WHAT I DO TO RELEIVE THE PAIN.
SUICIDE IS ALWAYS A REALITY.
DEATH IS ALWAYS WELCOME
| You Are 88% Evil |
 The devil is even a little scared of you! |
Well, my trip to the therapist last week went ok.
He has suggested I go to their Hospital Day Program.
It helps one cognitivly(is that spelled right?Oh, who the fuck cares!)Train ourselves to anticipate stress & deal with it in a no hurting productive way.
Its a Behaviour Training.
I can go as many days as I want & for as many hours.
Its usually a 6 month program, but the fact I'm only going to be here in CT for maybe the next 6 weeks, I'm not sure if they will take me.
I guess he got a bit concerned when I told him I had a cutting episode the week before.
I showed hom the cuts which in my opinion were more like healed up scratches.
I told him my cat scratches deeper that what I had done.
I cnntrolled the deepness.
I got some suggestions from one of the SI Forums I go to.
One suggested I use a rubber band.
Snap it until the urge passess.
Ya know what?
It fucking worked.
At least this time.
When the urge came, first of all I didnt try to ignore it so it didnt build up inside me like an explosion ready to go off.
But I started snapping the band around my wrist and after a while the urge actually passed.
Now I'm not saying it will work every time, but its something.
And Its not cutting.
And now on a lighter note.
Heres a little BLOG THING...........
| You Are Animal |
 A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!" |
***You Are 72% Abnormal***
You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul.
You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at high risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is very likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.
How Abnormal Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/howabnormalareyouquiz/
I
took out my razor yesterday, pushed up my sweat shirt sleeves and began to cut.Not deeply, just enough for the blood to come to release the pressure.
I just couldnt fight the urge this time.
I had to do it.
The only thing I did control was how deep I cut.
I've been trying to fight off the urge now for the past 2 weeks.
Yesterday I gave in.
I stood there a while & watched the blood beed up then trickle & flow doen my wrist.
I ran the water, dried off my hand & put a paper towel over the cuts which were already begining to sting & stop bleeding.
I clot quickly.
Its funny how ya dont feel the pain or the razor sclicing thru your skin until after its over.
Its like comming down from a high almost.
But I did control it somewhat by not cutting as deeply as I would have wanted too.
I guess thats a good thing right?
Well, I skipped out on my therapy appointment today.
I just didnt want to go.
I was tired & I just wanted to sleep in & do shit around the house.
Going once a week is begining to get to me.
I made another appointment for next week.
I have to go to that one cuz I'll be needing more meds.
March is just around the corner & I have to start getting things together.
I Talked to my oldest son again yesterday, hes doing good.
The double shifts are getting to him, but hes handling it.
I'm hoping I can see him again before I leave.
Do ya like the graphic?
Thats what I do in my free time.
I have lots of it.
Well, the reality of moving hit again yesterday when I was talking with my son about the apartment.
I guess he has a place picked out that is right up the street from where hes working.
Thats great.
I guess I just kept hoping something would change so I wouldnt have to move.
But In reality I will be.
Just gotta aqccept that.
I mean going to California wont be too bad I guess.
I just hate the idea of starting over again.
Oh well, Lifes a Bitch & I wish I Could Die!
If you like rap music, heres my nephews website.
Hes done one concert last month & is doing another in 2 weeks.
I'm not crazy bout Rap, but its my nephew so it aint too bad.
Give him a listen.
If ya like what you hear you can even download his mp3's.
Theres a small piece of video from his last show there too.
My nephew is the one in the middle of the photo that appears on the site.
heres the link
http://www.myspace.com/alwayzbsmokin
Well its been 5 days of the full doses of my meds.
I gotta admit I feel pretty good.
It was so hard to tell what was working in the hospital cuz I was having such a bad reaction to the Remeron.
But the 100mgs of Seriquil twice a day plus my Prozack seem to be working fine.
I talked to Lee for the first time since July.
It was nice.
Shes having probs with her puter again.
I said I would try to help.
I've been trying to keep myself busy.
I do the usuall chores in the morning,
like laundry and vaccumn/
Then I might get my chocolate cookbook out and make something.
In between I've downloaded a few movies.
I watched Saw 2 the other day.
I think I said this in another post, but it was fucking great!!
I'm listening to James Blunt Back to Bedlam right now.
I really like him.
I downloaded his newest album the other day.
I'm trying to get King Kong.
I'm a big fan of that big old ape!!
Watched him when he first came to the screen.
And the remakes werent too bad, but the original is always the best.
So i really want to see this remake.
Trying to get Hostel too.
And Want to get Final Destity 3.
Seen all of them they were pretty cool.
Been playing with my graphics programs
too.
Been making crazy warped pics of my cats & funny animations.
It kills time.
It also keeps my mind off the fact that time is drawing near to make definet arrangements to go to California.
March is just around the corner.
I still get the mini panic attacks when I think of it.
But I'm gonna have to do it soon.
What is cutting?
Cutting is when someone takes something sharp, like a razor, knife, scissors or piece of glass, and runs it along a part of their body, usually to the point of bleeding or bruising.
Most cuts are made on arms, wrists and legs. Sometimes, people cut their chest, stomach, face, neck, breasts or genitals. Cutting on the arms and wrists is the most common because it’s often easier to make up excuses for marks on these parts of the body, something like "My cat scratched me," or "I had an accident in the kitchen."
Cutting is a form of self-injury, or self-mutilation. Some people also call it slashing or slicing.
Besides cutting, people may hurt themselves in other ways, including scratching, burning skin with a lighter, punching or headbutting.
Why do people cut?
For most people, it’s hard to understand why anyone would intentionally hurt themselves. But, for those who cut, there are a few reasons.
Some people say they do it because of emotional pain they can't put into words.
Some say it gives them a sense of control when other things in their life are out of control, like a break-up, a friend who’s sick or a parents’ divorce.
Some people cut to punish themselves for troubling thoughts or acts.
Some find the act soothing, and it makes them feel alive.
Some cut to get a reaction from other people.
No matter the reason, cutting is a serious, dangerous behavior, and may be a sign of another problem.
Many people who cut themselves also have an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia. Some may be experiencing depression. Others may have been sexually or physically abused.
Is cutting a suicide attempt?
Usually, people who cut aren't trying to kill themselves. At the same time, cutting can be life-threatening. In fact, sometimes, people can’t control the injury and die accidentally.
If you or someone you know is thinking about killing themselves, contact 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) immediately to talk to a crisis center in your area. Suicide is never the answer to your problems. 
Its a crappy wet day.
I've been taking my pills like i'm soposed
to.
i probably should try to so they can see if theyre working.
i really dont know how they are gong to see if they are working or how they can tell if i'm actually taking them.
I mean i can lie & say I am.
I can lie and say my moods have been great, no dark ones.
i mean, unless they are with me 24-7, how do they know for sure if what i'm saying is the truth.
i hate that the doc just gave me only 2 weeks worth of meds!!!
i really dont think he trusts me.
i think he might be afraid i would take them all if i had alot of them.
and ya know what?
i couldnt promis him that i wouldnt.
i hate when they ask you "Do you still want to hurt yourself?"
If you wanted to hurt yourself, would you be able to ask for help?"
"Would you be able to stop yourself?"
I mean, how can they expect me to answer that.
I dont know what I would do until the situation takes place.
right now tho i would have to say that if i'm in a dark enough place where i am going to hurt myself with the intention of killing myself, i doubt very much if i am going to stop or ask someone for help.
when i get to that point, there is no turning back for me.
no matter what kind or how much meds i'm on.
i kept myself busy today ,did some laundry and made some bread to go with dinner and some chocolate chip cookies for dessert.
i downloaded SAW 2 and burned it to DVD yesterday and i watched it today.
fucking great!!
As good and as gorey as the first one!
I got Wolf Creek & Jar Head too.
And I downloaded an album by James Blunt.
Desperate Housewives is on tonight but its a repeat.
So is Charmed.
Oh well, thats it for today.
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