Well, my trip to the therapist last week went ok.
He has suggested I go to their Hospital Day Program.
It helps one cognitivly(is that spelled right?Oh, who the fuck cares!)Train ourselves to anticipate stress & deal with it in a no hurting productive way.
Its a Behaviour Training.
I can go as many days as I want & for as many hours.
Its usually a 6 month program, but the fact I'm only going to be here in CT for maybe the next 6 weeks, I'm not sure if they will take me.
I guess he got a bit concerned when I told him I had a cutting episode the week before.
I showed hom the cuts which in my opinion were more like healed up scratches.
I told him my cat scratches deeper that what I had done.
I cnntrolled the deepness.
I got some suggestions from one of the SI Forums I go to.
One suggested I use a rubber band.
Snap it until the urge passess.
Ya know what?
It fucking worked.
At least this time.
When the urge came, first of all I didnt try to ignore it so it didnt build up inside me like an explosion ready to go off.
But I started snapping the band around my wrist and after a while the urge actually passed.
Now I'm not saying it will work every time, but its something.
And Its not cutting.
And now on a lighter note.
Heres a little BLOG THING...........

You Are Animal

A complete lunatic, you're operating on 100% animal instincts. You thrive on uncontrolled energy, and you're downright scary. But you sure can beat a good drum. "Kill! Kill!"

"> TAKE THE MUPPET PERSONALITY TESTT

Hi, I came across your journal when I googled a search for "Death becomes me". I don't know why I typed that or what I expected to find. I guess it's because it's how I feel. Until yesterday I thought cutting was stupid and senseless and I couldn't fathom why people do it....but I found out yesterday why. In my world I see it as a better pain or release from the harshness one's soul is trying to escape. The pain in my chest was so unbearable, I literally just wanted to cut my heart out, instead I put the knife to my wrist again. I never understood why I would do that, but each time I'd feel the pain in my chest the deeper I'd go into my wrist the next time around. Then yesterday it hit me...soothing. I was calmed after I did it. My crying ceased, the pain was bearable at least and basically just said holy shit i get it now. No one knows what I have been doing, but I can't help it. I just want the pain to stop is all, is it too much to ask. I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm just lost right now. I guess I'd rather share my feelings with a stranger who can more or less understand and better explain to me what this is. I don't know if my feelings are the same as "cutters". Would I be considered a cutter or just someone hoping that one day I will succeed in cutting deep enough to really end the pain.....I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore. I know today I'll use a razor instead of a knife, does that mean I'm moving up in the cutters world...lol. I'm just trying to understand this thing I'm going through. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember,attempted suicide (but I was found and taken to the hospital), but one things for sure, I have never ever thought of myself as becoming a cutter. I used to say just do it right already and be off with yourself. Yea I know it's so insensitive, but as a suicidal person, I guess i felt like it was an insult...a mock. I'm fuckin sick and twisted right now, I've never been this

likewise i searched for "death become me" im not sure either however i saw your blog and i feel maybe i should get into treatment, i have a substancal drug abuse problem :P well thanks for helping me

`james

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Thursday, May 31st 2007 @ 5:48 AM